that’s too much drama fo’ me mama…

I am amazed over and over again how bad we are at communicating with one another. I write this post at the risk of sounding slightly annoyed. Not because of an occurrence with me, but with two people very close to me who have been dealing with this very thing. I don’t understand why it is that we (and I do include myself in this) have a tendency to talk behind someone’s back so much more quickly than we will talk TO the person being talked about.

I have a dear friend who I’ve known since middle school who taught me a good lesson years ago. She and I had expressed some differences on some issues and sort of gotten into a heated discussion. I mean this was one of those deals where several people were involved and angry (because teenager problems in middle school and high school are just SO big aren’t they…) and people were starting to take sides within the group. Over time, my friend began feeling that she was of the minority and began to retract. Foolishly in my anger, I jumped on the “Blame Train” with all those opposed to her — those who spoke harshly about her when she wasn’t around. Choo-Choo!! In came the Train to take us all to “Makemyselffeelbettercausewe’rerightandshe’swrongville” and before you know it I was fueling the momentum with words of fiery coal about my friend. I was angry. And it made me look better to agree with everyone else. I felt bad afterward, but I thought she wouldn’t find out what I said… I was wrong.

Several days or weeks later, my friend approached me to kindly return the knife I had stuck in her back. She was calm, loving. She told me about how she was dealing with a lot of different things in her life at the time, and that she was surprised that I had said some of the things I had said. She thought that out of everyone involved, I would’ve been the one to not participate in the bashing. She expressed to me through tears how much it hurt her to hear the things I had said in my anger. How much it hurt that in a time when she needed me to be a friend, I abandoned her. I have never felt so small in my life.

To be honest, I don’t even remember what was said or what the disagreement was in the first place. It doesn’t matter. But I realized at that point that talking about other people behind their back is NEVER beneficial. And I realized that when I have an issue with someone – especially someone I consider a friend – I’m going TO THAT PERSON about it. I will confront. I will speak to that person tactfully and respectfully about my concerns, and then give them the opportunity to do the same. What’s the worst that can happen? They could be unreceptive to it. They could blow me off. But at that point, at least I have done my part and the ball is then in their court. It’s not always easy, but it eliminates the alternative.

It bugs the crap out of me when people are so willing make their own conclusions about me or someone else without having all the facts. They take a bit of information, spin it how they see it, and run with it to anyone who will listen, which is pretty much everyone, because we love drama… Do me a favor; a courtesy if you will: If you have an issue with me, see me doing something I shouldn’t, disagree with me about something, or just plain don’t like me, COME TO ME WITH IT! I promise you I will respect you a ton more than if you don’t do that — because I can guarantee one thing: if you don’t come to me, you do NOT have ALL of the information, and therefore, do NOT have to right to speak on it to others. Moses brought it when he said in Exodus, “Do not spread false reports. Do not help a wicked man by being a malicious witness. Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong.”

Do you want a test of someone’s character? Pay attention to how your friends talk about your other friends when they’re not around. Do they speak well of them? Do they speak negatively?

Let’s take it up a notch: do you want a test of YOUR character? Pay attention to how you respond to your friends. Do you join in? When I’m standing in a group of people who speak harshly about someone in their absence, I can’t help but ask myself, “how do they talk about me when I’m not around?” Chances are, it’s the same. Think about it! It only makes sense! How arrogant am I to think that I’m so flawless that no one talks about me that way?

I write this as a challenge to you as well as myself. I don’t want to be that guy – I want people to know that they can trust me with sensitive information. I want people to know that I respect them enough to go to the source and not everyone else. It’s a work in progress. I’ve come a long way since I hurt my friend years ago, and seeing that hurt in her and people close to me now makes me sick. It makes me wish we wouldn’t take the easy way out and jump on the Train.

A little more than three years ago, a friend of mine informed me that another mutual friend had spoken very harshly about my new girlfriend and me (now my wife). It angered me. I had a choice. I could remain angry, believe everything I had heard and never speak to her again, or I could confront her. I chose the latter. After not speaking for a week or so, I sent her a text that said simply, “Hey. I love you. We should talk.” She agreed and we met in person when she was off work. I explained to her what I had been told, and how it had hurt Jamie and I. She was as surprised to hear it as I was! She quickly corrected the situation with what she had actually said, apologized for the misunderstanding, and the rumors were eliminated. I think back on that and wonder what would have happened had I chosen not to confront my friend. She and her husband are now one of our favorite couples to be around!

Think how much better we’d all be if we died to ourselves more often and paid attention to what someone else may need. A need we might be able to meet. Sure, causes are great and people all over the world need help. But in addition, don’t look past the guy you work with. The guy you live next door to. The guy who works for you. Regardless of successes or flaws, we’re all people with needs.

Trey, I challenge you to COMMUNICATE. I challenge you to LEARN. I challenge you to INVEST. In the words of Voddie Baucham, “more today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today.”  I personally am not always good at it, but I’m getting better. Are you?

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